As you might have seen in the Times-Age, Masterton CBD now has free wi-fi- dubbed “wai-fi”.

With much fan-fare and the standard Patterson aplomb the Mayor:

…announced the launch of the free network to a group of about 90 people at a Future of Masterton’s CBD workshop last night at Aratoi.

“As a council we show a commitment to the future of our city,” she said.

The council was pleased to provide a service that was supporting the development of the CBD and the future of the town centre. The service allows 250MB of data per device daily.

Masterton District Council chief executive Pim Borren said the service was a welcome addition to the town.

“Our free wi-fi at the library has proved extremely popular and there is undoubtedly a strong demand for this service to be available throughout the CBD,” he said.

Masterton is following the lead of many other city and town centres across the country that offer the free network to residents and visitors.

250MB of data? Like a quarter of a gig??! Are you fucking joking, guys? Guys, you are joking right?

Let’s just take a step a back. The reason we got free wifi was to “show commitment to the future of our city [*town].” That is about making the CBD more inviting to people working from devices in cafes which is more and more common and more importantly visiting tourists.

So what is my problem? My problem is that 250MB will enable a user to upload 16.6 standard smart phone pictures (like a quarter of the reel from Castlepoint- lets face it!),  or TWO minutes of smartphone HD video. That is also sadly assuming they DON’T want to check their Facebook, news sites, email, Skype with family, and watch a few youtube clips, or update any apps that frequently need updating.

With out a hint of exaggeration here, if I came to a CBD to do some business on my devices and found out the limit was 250mb I would pull down my britches, take a big dump on the pavement, and then leave town immediately.

Fortunately though our visitors won’t need to do that, because they can go to McDonalds and get 1000MB for free, or Cafe Strada and get 500MB, and then use Sparks Free town wi-fi to get another 1000MB, then they can use the Cinema wifi which is unlimited and covers that whole corner of town, or go to Lone Star use their unlimited wi-fi… and then if all of the above fails then they can use the 250MB generously gifted to them by MDC as emergency wifi, so they can like send a fax or a potato or something else meagre in an  emergency situation.

Sometimes I think the boffins at Masterton District Council need head transplants. What possessed them to think 250MB was adequate? This is how much Unlimited Fibre costs per month:

Cost is not the cause here folks.

It might be a little unfair to lay the blame at MDC’s feet though, they were probably recommended to this restrictive regime by some sex starved dark room dweller at the service provider which I won’t name. I’ve met a few computer geeks in my time and while invaluable at times of great need, they invariably hate seeing people have a good time. Indeed, I faced this very situation before at a business I worked at:

-“We are getting unlimited fibre team!”

“yay, thanks Neville”

-“But it is throttled back”


-“So you can’t use it too much”

“Fuck you, Neville”

So there you go MDC- Sam, Pim, Lyn, anyone who is listening. Get it changed. PLEASE.

It is a CBD in 2016, not a motel in Tokoroa circa 2007.

When the idea was originally mooted in 2015 I made a few comments which you might care to read, I warned against doing this way. No one listens. Every time MDC rolls out a bright idea, my hair goes a shade greener.